In an unexpected announcement Friday, Father Arturo Sosa, Superior General of the Society of Jesus, announced that the Jesuits will be acquiring Chick-fil-A for $1.37 billion. "We're not entirely sure why Catholics are obsessed with Chick-fil-A," Sosa said after the announcement. "We're just hoping that more people will convert to Catholicism because we're cool and hip.”
When asked about possible changes to the popular restaurant chain, Sosa said there would be very few. "We're pretty much going to leave things as is, but we are going to switch out the waffle fries for crinkle-cut fries. Oh, and we are going to start opening all restaurants on Sundays."